# How to Win Friends and Influence People  ## Metadata - Author: [[Dale Carnegie]] - Full Title: How to Win Friends and Influence People - Category: #books ## Highlights - ninety-nine times out of a hundred, people don’t criticize themselves for anything, no matter how wrong it may be. ([Location 288](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=288)) - Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment. ([Location 289](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=289)) - the person we are going to correct and condemn will probably justify himself or herself, and condemn us in return; ([Location 331](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=331)) - When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity. ([Location 411](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=411)) - Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain - and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be under-standing and forgiving. “A great man shows his greatness,” said Carlyle, “by the way he treats little men.” ([Location 417](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=417)) - Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness. “To know all is to forgive all.” As Dr. Johnson said: “God himself, sir, does not propose to judge man until the end of his days.” Why should you and I? ([Location 467](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=467)) - Principle 1 - Don’t criticize, condemn or complain. ([Location 471](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=471)) - Dr. Dewey said that the deepest urge in human nature is “the desire to be important.” ([Location 482](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=482)) - If you tell me how you get your feeling of importance, I’ll tell you what you are. That determines your character. That is the most significant thing about you. ([Location 516](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=516)) - “I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among my people,” said Schwab, “the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement. “There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from superiors. I never criticize any-one. I believe in giving a person incentive to work. So I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault. If I like anything, I am hearty in my approbation and lavish in my praise. “ ([Location 573](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=573)) - The difference between appreciation and flattery? That is simple. One is sincere and the other insincere. One comes from the heart out; the other from the teeth out. One is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universally admired; the other universally condemned. ([Location 637](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=637)) - Principle 2 - Give honest and sincere appreciation. ([Location 675](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=675)) - “If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.” ([Location 760](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=760)) - Principle 3 - Arouse in the other person an eager want. ([Location 949](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=949)) - You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. ([Location 966](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=966)) - It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difjculties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from umong such individuals that all humun failures spring. ([Location 981](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=981)) - Principle 1 - Become genuinely interested in other people. ([Location 1137](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=1137)) - Happiness doesn’t depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions. ([Location 1209](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=1209)) - Principle 2 Smile. ([Location 1256](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=1256)) - His technique? Simple. If he didn’t hear the name distinctly, he said, “So sorry. I didn’t get the name clearly.” Then, if it was an unusual name, he would say, “How is it spelled?” ([Location 1369](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=1369)) - “Good manners,” said Emerson, “are made up of petty sacrifices.” ([Location 1376](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=1376)) - Principle 3 Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language. ([Location 1387](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=1387)) - Principle 4 Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves. ([Location 1530](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=1530)) - Principle 5 Talk in terms of the other person’s interests. ([Location 1595](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=1595)) - If we are so contemptibly selfish that we can’t radiate a little happiness and pass on a bit of honest appreciation without trying to get something out of the other person in return - if our souls are no bigger than sour crab apples, we shall meet with the failure we so richly deserve. ([Location 1612](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=1612)) - Principle 6 Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely. ([Location 1779](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=1779)) - you can measure the size of a person by what makes him or her angry. ([Location 1863](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=1863)) - Listen first. Give your opponents a chance to talk. Let them finish. Do not resist, defend or debate. This only raises barriers. Try to build bridges of understanding. Don’t build higher barriers of misunderstanding. ([Location 1864](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=1864)) - Principle 1 : The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. ([Location 1883](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=1883)) - Few people are logical. Most of us are prejudiced and biased. ([Location 1931](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=1931)) - I even forbade myself the use of every word or expression in the language that imported a fix’d opinion, such as ‘certainly,’ ‘undoubtedly,’ etc., and I adopted, instead of them, ‘I conceive,’ ‘I apprehend, ‘ or ‘I imagine’ a thing to be so or so, or ‘it so appears to me at present.’ ([Location 1978](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=1978)) - I began by observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right, but in the present case there appear’d or seem’d to me some difference, etc. ([Location 1981](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=1981)) - nothing good is accomplished and a lot of damage can be done if you tell a person straight out that he or she is wrong. You only succeed in stripping that person of self-dignity and making yourself an unwelcome part of any discussion.” ([Location 2005](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=2005)) - Martin Luther King was asked how, as a pacifist, he could be an admirer of Air Force General Daniel “Chappie” James, then the nation’s highest-ranking black officer. Dr. King replied, “I judge people by their own principles - not by my own.” ([Location 2041](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=2041)) - Principle 2 : Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.” ([Location 2052](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=2052)) - Any fool can try to defend his or her mistakes - and most fools do - but it raises one above the herd and gives one a feeling of nobility and exultation to admit one’s mistakes. ([Location 2119](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=2119)) - Principle 3 : If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically. ([Location 2171](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=2171)) - Principle 4 Begin in a friendly way. ([Location 2299](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=2299)) - In talking with people, don’t begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Begin by emphasizing - and keep on emphasizing - the things on which you agree. Keep emphasizing, if possible, that you are both striving for the same end and that your only difference is one of method and not of purpose. ([Location 2301](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=2301)) - A “No” response, according to Professor Overstreet, is a most difficult handicap to overcome. When you have said “No,” all your pride of personality demands that you remain consistent with yourself. ([Location 2304](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=2304)) - Principle 5 Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately. ([Location 2387](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=2387)) - Principle 6 Let the other person do a great deal of the talking. ([Location 2460](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=2460)) - Principle 7 : Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers. ([Location 2540](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=2540)) - “Cooperativeeness in conversation is achieved when you show that you consider the other person’s ideas and feelings as important as your own. ([Location 2563](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=2563)) - Principle 8 : Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view. ([Location 2615](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=2615)) - You deserve very little credit for being what you are - and remember, the people who come to you irritated, bigoted, unreasoning, deserve very little discredit for being what they are. Feel sorry for the poor devils. Pity them. Sympathize with them. Say to yourself: “There, but for the grace of God, go I.” ([Location 2626](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=2626)) - Principle 9 Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires. ([Location 2730](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=2730)) - all of us, being idealists at heart, like to think of motives that sound good. So, in order to change people, appeal to the nobler motives. ([Location 2740](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=2740)) - Principle 10: Appeal to the nobler motives. ([Location 2811](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=2811)) - Merely stating a truth isn’t enough. The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, dramatic. ([Location 2823](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=2823)) - Principle 11 Dramatize your ideas. ([Location 2876](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=2876)) - Principle 12 : Throw down a challenge. ([Location 2925](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=2925)) - Beginning with praise is like the dentist who begins his work with Novocain. The patient still gets a drilling, but the Novocain is painkilling. ([Location 3012](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=3012)) - Principle 1 Begin with praise and honest appreciation. ([Location 3014](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=3014)) - Principle 2 Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly. ([Location 3070](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=3070)) - Principle 3 Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person. ([Location 3137](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=3137)) - People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued. ([Location 3160](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=3160)) - Principle 4 Ask questions instead of giving direct orders. ([Location 3172](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=3172)) - What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.” ([Location 3222](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=3222)) - Principle 5 : Let the other person save face. ([Location 3224](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=3224)) - Everybody likes to be praised, but when praise is specific, it comes across as sincere - not something the other person may be saying just to make one feel good. ([Location 3285](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=3285)) - Remember, we all crave appreciation and recognition, and will do almost anything to get it. But nobody wants insincerity. Nobody wants flattery. ([Location 3286](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=3286)) - Abilities wither under criticism; they blossom under encouragement. ([Location 3298](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=3298)) - Principle 6 Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.” ([Location 3299](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=3299)) - Principle 7 Give the other person a fine reputation to live up ([Location 3365](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=3365)) - Principle 8 Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct. ([Location 3426](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=3426)) - Principle 9 Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest. ([Location 3499](https://readwise.io/to_kindle?action=open&asin=B09FKN59HF&location=3499))